Tuesday, 20 December 2016

Reflections on Chapter 4

I have struggled at times with this course during the last period for two reasons:
  •  A loss of confidence. There have been times when I wonder whether I have over-reached my capabilities, that the course is more than I want to do. Perversely, that is not because of the reading and consequent blog essay writing rather than taking images. I really enjoy researching and discussing articles, particularly Assignment 4. No, it is more about the photography itself - whether I really want to be THAT serious. As I put to Tutor:
"I feel as if this course is taking me further away from my comfort zone than I really wish to go. At heart, I am an amateur who has no pretensions to take up photography professionally....". There is, as well, a sense of disconnect between the world of academic photography - its reverence of practitioners who in the main would, I suspect, be amazed that their work is discussed and portrayed as often as it is decades later - and the world out there. It is enunciated in the article we are asked to read for Exercise 5.1. Specifically alluding to the gallery as the 'white cube', McEvilley (1986) refers to it as the 'other world..appealing to supposedly transcendental modes of power and presence'. I explore the issues raised by contemporary developments in the Assignment.
  • That Mark has been ill recently. I didn't want to start the course as early as Spring, but had to because of the OCA maximum of a year between courses. I explained the situation of having a son (Mark) with terminal cancer and received a sympathetic response, including that some people find studying as an outlet when faced with difficult times. I have managed the time commitment, helped by Mark being stable for several months.
That all changed in early November, when Mark's cancer returned at about the same time as I was having a wobble about the course. One day, Mark was very ill, crying on my shoulder. It breaks your heart to hear him in such distress, and his words - 'this is all such a waste' - will resound with me for ever. I concluded then that I should not becoming stressed about a course being studied as a hobby when Mark is so ill?

So wrote to Tutor, who wrote a very helpful and understanding response:

"....The academic study of photographic practice is not for everyone, not e
veryone who is a practising photographer has a qualification in photography and it would be foolish to suggest otherwise. If you want to take photographs for pleasure without time pressure, deadlines outside of a structured academic approach then go for it! It is certainly not the lesser path. Anything that does not fill you with at least a little joy in its making can kill creativity in my experience. In a nutshell - Do what you love!

On the flip side I would say that you are certainly more than capable of passing the module from the work I have seen so far. You have put a lot of work into the research of your work and I can see development in your practice. I’m not sure that Assignment Five is asking anything more than you’ve already shown a capability for, perhaps it’s asking it in a more explicit way. Maybe don’t let that put you off, and fit the questions to suit your interests. If I can help give some pointers in any areas then do ask. 

Obviously the time you have with Mark is precious and I’m not suggesting for one moment that you should be writing essays or visiting galleries instead of spending time with him and your family. Photography can be a powerful tool for keeping us in the moment and in touch with our creative expression..."


This was enough to convince me that I was over-reacting to the immediacy of Mark's condition, and perhaps a more considered approach is appropriate.

And, more recently. things have improved. Mark is still having bad days, losing weight, being sick and headaches, but he has more better days than bad ones. Unbelievably, he is studying for a MRCP exam in January; continuing to try to get a book published; and helping his fiancée with her medical revision. You don't try and guess what is going on: become positive and next minute it is blue lights to A&E, hopes dashed; become negative and you help no-one, least of all Mark. You just have to deal with it; just sometimes that is 
easier than at others. As I write, there is still hope.

Why do I write this? Partly because of cathartic release, and partly to record my feelings and emotions right now, at a finely balanced moment. Whether I finish this course or not, at le
ast it might help me explain how and why. I have at least got as far as the 4th Assignment to be submitted and it would be a shame to forgo the work done so far.

Update on 6 January:

Mark's sickness and tiredness worsened over Christmas and New Year such that Sue (my wife) and I decided we could not cope, and that Mark needed to be seen by Royal Marsden. We wondered whether his symptoms might be die to an infection so just about managed to get him to GP for antibiotics. Then had a message that RM wanted to see him anyway as his blood marker was high, so we drove straightaway. to the assessment unit in the hospital.

Mark was made comfortable and on Wednesday 4th he had a scan on his head that showed that the cancer in his meninges is active - not much growth but enough to cause the symptoms he has had. They confirmed there is no mre they can do so, nearly two years after the cancer returned, Mark has reached the end of the line. He has a few weeks at most, possibly only days. He is still here, so technically there is hope, but no-one at RM think he can survive now, and nor does he.

It is very sad; a young man who has so much to offer, of whom no-one had a bad word to say. A dedicated doctor himself with a wonderful fiancee, he has raised over £73,000 for Cancer Research, who, on hearing the news sent this:
There are so many people at CRUK who know Mark and have been inspired by him and will want to send their love and support to Mark, Georgie and to you all.
If you are able, please let him know we are in awe of what he has achieved and the spirit in which he has done it.
I've been doing this job 10 years and have met some truly extraordinary people. But there are a handful who are just stand-out, extra special who have this amazing, indefinable quality about them. Mark is one of them - one of the really, really good guys.
 
  

Reference:

McEvilley, Thomas (1986) Introduction to Inside the White Space: The Ideology of the Gallery Space. Available from https://monoskop.org/images/8/8e/ODoherty_Brian_Inside_the_White_Cube_The_Ideology_of_the_Gallery_Space.pdf. Accessed on 24 December 2016.


No comments:

Post a Comment